CD1

Today is CD1.  Which means my Dr was completely wrong and missed that I had ovluated before she did the ultrasound.  WTF.  So the whole issue on the fact that I ovulate late and I need Clomid was completely wrong and not needed.  I left a message for my Dr telling her I thought I ovulated on CD12 and asked where we could get DH a SA. Hopefully she will call back soon.

This past weekend I brought it to DH's attention that he needed to stop smoking.  His reply was "you're not pregnant yet" (refering to our agreement soon after we were married that he would stop smoking when I became pregnant).  So I said -calmly as I could - "maybe that's the reason I'm not".  I know a bit harsh but it's true.

He smokes cigarettes and he also just recently received his medical marijuana licence.  And I know it's probably a big reason why it's taking so long for us to get knocked up.  Sometimes I want to knock him upside the head and tell him I think it is all his fault, but I know better.  It would ruin our marriage.  But I have been making so many sacrifices and doing so many things to try to make it work, and it seems like he's just skirting along.  He has agreed to get a SA if I schedule him for it, but if the results are bad will he even make a change?

This morning I googled reproductive specialist.  I found one about 2 hours from where I live and clicked on their website.  Talk about depressing.  I would have never in a million years thought I would be on their website reading about all the issues couples have getting pregnant.  I couldn't keep reading.  I don't want to be one of those couples.  I just want my own little one... not one from a donor or from another couple, not even from another man.  I want a little me and DH.

UPDATE:  My Dr returned my call.  She wants me to use OPKs earlier this month, and wants another U/S at CD12.  Geez... I hope they catch the egg this time!!

So SAD!

My sister-in-law just found out that she will soon lose her baby.  Her ultrasound showed the fetus had stopped growing at 5 weeks and her hormone levels are not where they should be.  I hurt so bad for her.  I am an absolute mess right now.  Good thing my boss is out today.

It makes me wonder, and I'm sorry if this sounds selfish, if this is why it happened to me.  If God put me through my trials so I could help her go through hers.  Is it wrong to think that?  Well, in any case, I'm glad I know how she is feeling so I am able to give her some comfort.

I can't imagine being told I'm going to lose my baby and then have to wait for it to happen.  For me I just woke up one day in pain and lots of blood.

Wow... who ever said getting pregnant was easy was a liar!!

9DPO

Tomorrow is 10dpo - I think.  My chart has been so weird this past month, that I really have no idea what's going on.  But I'm still going take a test.   Maybe I'll take one now... hee hee.  I'm insane.

Fortune Cookies Ruin My Sanity

Yep, got a fortune cookie today.  It didn't say anything about good fortune, wealth, or happiness.  It said "Your efforts are budding - results will appear soon"  WTH?  Talk about playing with my mind and my emotions!  It did make me smile though... even though it doesn't say if they were going to be good or bad results...hmmm.

DH does not mean Dear Husband today

Now I understand the stress that my DH has been under with this TTC, work, and his family's health.  But last night and this morning was the wrong time to express that stress.

I am on CD16.  I usually ovulate on CD14 or CD16, and this month I know it wasn't on CD14 from the ultrasound.  So, I'm expecting to ovulate today.  I was so excited yesterday because I had found some Instead Cups at the store, and I couldn't wait to use them!  As soon as I got home I even tried one out to see how it felt, and I wanted to get it down before I needed to put it in after our BD.  But of course DH decided to fall asleep at 7:30pm - ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  It was almost as if he had purposfully fallen asleep because he knew how excited I was about BDing.

I just let it go and figured he would wake up knowing we needed to BD.  Nope, instead he woke up, got straight out of bed and started throwing a fit about how stressed out he was.  I mean seriously?? Does he think I just have a walk in the park going to work everyday and seeing new ultrasounds from my coworker, and hearing about every new symptom my sister-in-law has?  I just layed there and didn't say a word.  I really didn't want to fight with him about it.

So I'm totally bummed today thinking we may have missed the opportunity to get a good amount of semen inside to be ready for ovulation... even worse, my temp went up today.  Not alot where it would be obvious that I ovulated, but it didn't dip like it would getting ready for O.

DH just called appologizing and saying he would "make it up to me".  I thought he wanted this as much as I did... I guess not. Maybe I should just take a break.. or maybe just quit doing everything I have.  This sucks!  Now I'm just praying we BD tonight and I O while I'm sleeping.  I guess that's the last chance we have to make it work this month.

LUKE 11

1 Once Jesus was in a certain place praying. As he finished, one of his disciples came to him and said, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.” 2 Jesus said, “This is how you should pray: “Father, may your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come soon. 3 Give us each day the food we need, 4 and forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. And don’t let us yield to temptation.” 5 Then, teaching them more about prayer, he used this story: “Suppose you went to a friend’s house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, 6 ‘A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.’ 7 And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can’t help you.’ 8 But I tell you this - though he won’t do it for friendship’s sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence. 9 “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

MY PRAYER "Lord, I want to know your love.  I want to see your love in my baby's face.  I want to feel your love.  I want to have the same love for my child.  Lord God please be with me and DH this month.  Please let this month be the month we get to see the positive pregnancy test.  I have prayed this prayer many times, and Lord please give me a yes this month.  Amen."
 
If there is anyone reading my blog - please pray for us.  Also, if there is a prayer request you have for me, please feel free to send it to my email andbabymakesthree@ymail.com.  I would be happy to help you with your "shameless persistence".

Beautiful Uterus

Today I went in for the ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus. I went in there pretty nervous that something major would be found, but when I met the ultrasound tech she made me feel much better.  She was chipper and sweet.

The first thing she told me was I had a "beautiful uterus"!  She said it was exactly what she was hoping to see... a nice young normal uterus.  Then she moved to my Right Ovary - she showed me several follicles but none that were dominate.  She moved on to the Left Ovary and said "woh ok, it's tucked under your uterus".  But apparently it isn't nesassarily normal, but there is no harm in it.   I now call it my shy ovary :)

She did find a dominate follicle in my ROV but she mentioned it was pretty small for being on CD14.  So I was a late ovulator... usually I ovulate on CD14 or CD16 - so I just figured it would be a CD16 this month.  Well the tech then left the room while I got dressed so she could talk to my Dr. who was in with another patient at the time.  She returned saying if we do not get pregnant this cycle they would like to start me on Clomid.  I held back the tears but didn't let it go.  How could they want me to go on a cycle regulator when I have always had 28-29 day cycles and so far I haven't had any trouble ovulating?  We haven't even gotten DH a sperm analysis to see if it is a male factor.

I would like to have a quick fix like Clomid, but I'm not sure about it... some of the things I have heard are not nesassarily good reviews on side effects. So now I'm under even more pressure to get pregnant this month!   And to top it off my temps have been alot higher and more rocky this month... WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?

A Few Sweet Poems

Below are a few poems a kind friend sent to me a few months back.



My Precious Little Baby,
Your face I've never seen.
Your skin I've never touched before,
Nor held you close to me.
You lived inside my body,
But only for a while;
Till Jesus softly whispered,
"Come home my little child."
You must have been a special child;
If God needed you up there.
Because heaven is a better home,
It's beauty can't compare.
So, till I get to heaven,
And see your shining face;
Jesus will take care of you,
And love you in my place.
Yes, Jesus loves His little lambs,
They sit around His throne;
So sit on Jesus' lap dear child--
Till Mommy gets called home.

~Author Unknown


JUST SAY "I'M SORRY"
You don't know how I feel
Please don't tell me that you do.
There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too?
"You'll have another child!"--must I hear this each day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?
Don't say it was "God's will"--
That's not the God I know,
Would God on purpose break my heart,
Then watch as my tears flow?
"Aren't you better yet?"
Is that what I heard you say?
NO! A part of my heart aches--
I'll always feel some pain.
You think that silence is kind,
But it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child
Who has gone through death's door.
Don't say these things to me,
Although you do mean well.
They do not take away the pain away;
I must go through this hell.
I will be better--slow but sure--
And it helps to have you near.
But a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child"
is all I need to hear.

~Author Unknown

 
 
My Forever Child
You are a Precious Child
Created out of love,
a blessing from above.
I've adored you from the start,
and your little footprints touched my heart.
A single teardrop represents the millions I have cried.
My life never the same since you died.
I wish you could have stayed longer with me,
I'd watch you grow into all you could be.
Although we are no longer together,
Your beautiful spirit will endeavor.
I dream of a joyful time when
we will be reunited once again.
Thoughts of you make me smile.
You will always be My Forever Child

~Susan Mosquera


Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry~
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies."
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think he is unkind
Don't think He sent me to you,
and then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child,
and I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
and watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there,
planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't your cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Author~Claudette T. Allen

1 Week of FertileAid for Men

My husband has now been on FertilAid for men for 1 week. Here is what I've noticed (Warning TMI):

1. He says it has greatly increased his (already high) libido - he even got an erection while at work.. which has never happened before.
2. After BD his erection lasts for about 10 mins longer than normal
3. I've noticed his ejaculate is thinner. Not sure if this is good or not?

I'll keep this updated as time goes by if I notice anything else that has changed.  Too bad I don't have SA results to compare.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop

I've decided to teach myself to knit.  It will be good for me to keep my mind busy with something other than pregnancies right now. So I went to Walmart and bought a "I Taught Myself To Knit" kit.  It came with a pair of needles and instructions to knit a scarf.  Once I have mastered the scarf, I would really like to knit baby blankets for my co-worker and my sister-in-law.

I'm so very excited about this project, I even forgot to look at the thermometer this morning after I got out of bed!  I think this is my best idea yet!  Now I just need to figure out which baby blanket to make.

My sister-in-law is more contemporary and would like something with several bright colors.  I might wait to find out if they are having a boy or girl for her, because I know for sure she would want bright orange and pink for a girl.  It will be atleast 10 weeks before they find that out so I will start on my co-worker's.  She will find out the sex of the baby next week, so that will give me enough time to practice making a scarf.

I've done some online research (thank God for the internet!) and below are a couple blankets I think I might be able to do.


My co-worker is due in the summer so I'll need to make a thinner blanket.

 I found this blanket on You Tube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJe1_MYWNFo.

The video doesn't give very good instructions for making the blanket, but I think it is super cute.  Especially with the embroidery.

My S-I-L is due in the fall so she will need a thicker blanket.

I found these two blankets on http://www.purlbee.com/ - a super cute blog about awesome crafts.

This one is super thick and bulky.  The instructions look a little more difficult and might take me a little more time to figure out...

Here are the instructions:

Need
A 24 or 32 inch, US #15 circular needle
A 40 inch, US #13 circular needle

4 jumbo stitch markers

The Pattern
Gauge
2 1/4 stitches = 1 inch in garter stitch or seed stitch, using the Main Yarn

2 3/4 stitches = 1 inch in stockinette stitch, using the Contrast Yarn DOUBLED

Finished Size

26 inches x 26 inches

Seed Stitch Version

Using the Main Color and US #15 needles, cast on 51 stitches.

*K1, p1, repeat from * to end of row.

Repeat this row until you have used all 4 skeins of yarn.

Weave in the ends.

Garter Stitch Version

Using the Main Color and US #15 needles, cast on 53 stitches.

Knit every row until you have used all 4 skeins of yarn.

Weave in the ends.

The Border (for Both Versions)

Note: For the Border, use the Contrast Yarn DOUBLED. You can either pull from the inside and the outside of one ball of yarn, or pull one strand from each of two balls.

With the Contrast Yarn and a 40 inch, US #13 needles, begin the border at any corner:

*Pick up 60 stitches to the next corner, place a marker, repeat from * until you have returned to the beginning corner. For the last marker, use a different color in order to indicate the beginning of the round. (240 stitches)

I really like this one.  It's completely done with a simple knit stich.  It's not as bulky as the blanket above, but it's still a little thick.  It's called the "Super Easy Baby Blanket" on the website, hopefully it will be super easy for me!

The instructions are:

Gauge

21.5 stitches = 4 inches in garter stitch

Finished Size

26 inches x 28 inches

Pattern

With a US #7 needle and the first color, loosely cast on 140 stitches.

Knit every row until there are 20 garter stitch "ridges" (1 ridge = 2 rows).

Switch to the second color at the beginning of the next row, and knit every row until there are 20 ridges.

Repeat with each color, making sure to always switch colors on the same side.

After knitting 20 ridges with the seventh color, loosely bind off.

Weave in the ends.

Sounds easy enough! 

Vent Post - CD6

A couple days ago my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy to the family.  I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I can't help but think it should be me.  I have just felt down the past few days.  I think I'm having a hard time copeing with my coworker's pregnancy and my s-i-l's pregnancy at the same time.  It came so easily for them... 1st month after getting off the pill.  My husband keeps trying to remind me that it happened that way for us too, but since we lost it, in my mind it wasn't as easy as they had it.  I never got to experience the missed period - because I spotted since the 1st BFP.

I also found out my s-i-l's friend is also pregnant.  But it isn't a happy pregnancy.  She is an alcoholic, so is the dad.  They are unmarried and are constantly having issues with each other.  Not little issues.. major, call the cops on each other, issues.  It makes me sad to see that people like that can have healthy babies (I will still pray that she will have a happy and healthy pregnancy) but my husband and I can't.

If it is true that pregnancies come in 3's, there they are.. it's done.  I really hope I won't have to wait much longer.  It's seriously eating me up inside. Yesterday, I went online to order some more pre-seed and I came across the FertileCM suppliments.   Maybe my cm is too acidic for hubbs sperm... So I'm adding it to my baby making plan, and it should be here in the next few days.  If there's anyone reading this, please pray for me.  I could really use some extra help.

Update to previous post

I came straight home, took a test... ofcourse it came out negative.  I figured if I was pregnant it would atleast show a faint line... so I went to the local liquor store, invited some friends over and drank a whole bottle of wine by myself.  I had a great time... but this morning I'm wishing I would have slowed it down.  Well, here's to hoping next month is more promising.  We'll see if the FertileAid is the miracle we've been asking for.

Short Light Period?? WTF

My periods have always been long and heavy.  5-7 days before I was on the pill, while I was on the pill and after I stopped taking the pill.  Normally it starts with 3-4 days of light spotting followed by 1-2 heavy days, 2-3 meadium days, 1-3 light days and usually 1 day of light spotting.

This month, so far, it has been 3 days - 1 heavy(ish), 1 medium, and 1 light.  WTF is going on with my body??  Could I be preggers??  I did get a faint line that I thought was an evap line, and my boobs are still sore.. and I've been extremly tired during the day.

OMG I'm going NUTS!! Someone take me away to the funny farm.  This past year of TTC, it seems, has sent me over the line and I am now officially insane.  Every little tick and twitch my brain immediately begins to scream "YOU ARE PREGNANT".  Complete torture!  I wish I knew of a way to turn my brain off.  Atleast on the topic of TTC.  OK, back to work - I'll obsess tomorrow... after I take a few hpts I so love.

My Stupid Moment

My sister-in-law will be announcing her pregnancy to the rest of the family tomorrow.  Beautiful.  Actually I'm really happy for them.  She's almost 5 years younger than me and is just recently married.  I thought there would be no way she would... but here we are.  If it was a year ago I would be livid right now, but I'm kind of excited to have another little baby around.

I made the mistake of joking around with my coworker that she may be pregnant (she's 57) while my boss was around.  They had a couple laughs then I mentioned my sister-in-law is pregnant.  BIG mistake.no no.. HUGE mistake!!  Their attention went right to me... "you know pregnancies come in threes (talking about my coworker and my now pregnant sister-in-law)... are you pregnant?"  I calmly said no.  Then it flowed right out of my bosses mouth "are you trying?"  I held back the tears and said "well we've been trying for over a year now, so it is what it is."- my attempt at lessening the situation.  He just smiled and said "when it happens it happens and if it doesn't it's cool right?  I mean you're not going crazy standing on your head or taking temps or anything?"  I stood there in shock for a minute thinking to myself - yes I am temping, and yes I actually tried standing on my head after the bd once.  What actually came out of my mouth was "I did actually temp for a couple months and got tired of it."  BIG HUGE LIE, but I was simply protecting myself from more scrutiny.

I still can't belive I told my boss I was trying to get pregnant.. and that we were having trouble at that.  Wow... *pounding on forehead* STUPID STUPID STUPID.  Oh well, now what can I do about it?  I guess I will see how he really thinks about it all.

Top 10 Things To Never Say To A Woman Who Has Had A Miscarriage

10 Things you should never say to a woman who has had a miscarraige:

1. There was probably something wrong with it.

2.  Did you drink caffine?  You're not suppposed to drink green tea either.

3.  There are many women who have had a miscarriage and never know.

4. Well now you can try for another one. OR  You can always have another one.

5.  Atleast it was early.

6.  You still have your health.

7.  I know how you feel.

8.  It just wasn't the right time.

9.  Are you sure you were even pregnant?

And the worse of them all - for me atleast:

10.  Nothing - I understand it might be hard for someone to understand how it feels, and hard for them to find the right words to say, but it's more than that.  I have a couple friends -with babies, and easy pregnancies- that just blow me off completely.  They have never asked what happened or wanted to know the story.  They have never asked how I'm doing, and when I bring it up they quickly change the subject.  That hurts more than any of the other things that have been said.

1 Thing to say to a woman who has had a miscarriage:

“This is awful and unfair and I know what this child meant to you and I’m sorry that nothing can replace him or her.”

It's that easy

CD1 - UGH!

Of course Aunt Flow came for a visit last night, and of course she brought horrible cramps that kept me from sleeping.  Ugh.  I guess another cycle here I come.

I was so hopeful yesterday.  I usually start af in the mornings and when I hadn't seen any signs of her by 2:00pm.. I remembered I had a left over hpt in my purse.  So I waited until the coast was clear and everyone was occupied in their own offices and I quickly grabbed a cup from the kitchen and ran to the bathroom.  On my way back to my desk there were several people in the office next to mine so I just put the test in a box under my desk.  30 mins later I was finally able to sneak a peak... THERE WAS A FAINT LINE!! Of course it was smudged and looked a little off, but it lifted my spirits.  I couldn't wait to get home to take another one!

My mind was racing with different thoughts.  What if I am, what is this spotting?  What if I'm not, I'm going to hate myself for getting worked up?  And then I remembered.  I had another hpt stashed in my desk from a few months ago when my now-pregnant coworker first thought she was pregnant.  I made another dash to the bathroom.  STARK WHITE NEGATIVE.  I lost all hope.  The people who make hpt's should be shot just for fact there could be an evaporation line.

So the rest of the day I just sat there day dreaming about how it would be if I woke up the next morning and took my last digital hpt and it said the magic words - "yes you are pregnant and this time it will be viable and you will have a beautiful and healthy child".  If only...

One good thing is now I can schedule an appointment with my OBGYN for an ultrasound on CD12.  I'm crossing my fingers everything will turn out ok.  I think I may even ask my husband to come along for this visit.  OH FertileAid is supposed to come in the mail today!  Hurry up 3:30 so I can check the mail!!

Had a bad day again...

Today is a low day.  I'm not sure why.  I might not have gotten enough sleep, or it could be pms coming on.  Or maybe it's because my coworker and sister-in-law are newly pregnant.   Whatever it is I need to be pulled out of this slump.

I was looking through an online group I recently came upon.  Of course it is the normal TTC over 12 months group, but these ladies don't sit and complain as much as I've read before.  The topic was "You know you've been ttc for too long when..."  They came up with some pretty hillarious comments:

"all the clothes in your closet are too big- not because you've lost weightt, but because everytime you go shopping, you buy according to the size (pregnant) you hope to be that season!"

"you forget there are more than two sex positions."

"you no longer have to read the instructions for HPTs and OPKs because you memorized them looooooong ago."

"when you've spent more on HPTs, OPKs, and FF memberships than clothing and shoes combined."

"someone tells you they are X weeks pregnant and you can instantly tell them when they likely ovulated and the earilest they could have tested, along with their due date all before they actually get the word 'pregnant' out."

"you obsessively take your temperature at all times of the day, just for fun!"

"you wake up from an afternoon nap and instantly start searching for your thermometer."

"You have picked out several nursery themes/sets for both genders and many of them have been discontinued so you have to find something new "

"when the thought of buying pads and tampons infuriates you."

"You're trying to figure out if the graphs in the power point presentation at work have ovulated. "

Ha Ha.  It's funny and also a little sad most of these apply to me...

Month 12 Since MC

I have been holding out talking to my OBGYN about our no luck with TTC ever since my last yearly pap.  It was around June 09 when it had only been around 6 months.  I mentioned to her that we still weren't pregnant and I didn't understand why.  Her only response was "well I went through 7 years of infertility so I know you feel".  SHOOT ME WHERE I STAND.  I couldn't believe she would just shoot my feelings down right then and there.  Where was the compassion?  Where was the explanation?  Where was the next step?  I didn't say anymore.

I finally decided to try again a couple days ago.  It had been a year since the miscarriage, so I thought it would the right time to start making a plan to find out why we aren't getting pregnant.  I mean we are doing EVERYTHING in the book:

My plan book of getting pregnant:

1. Take temperature every morning as soon as I wake up.  Log it on fertilityfriend.com, and stare at it as if it will tell the future.
2. Check cervicle mucus (I know this has a nasty name.  The first time I mentioned it to my husband, his face almost turned green and said "never say those words to me again!!" then walked away). Log it on fertility friend along with the temperature.  Again stare at it waiting for it to say "you will be pregnant this month".  It never does...
3. Take daily prenatal vitamin... just in case.  I've read that it is a good idea that every woman that is in their child bearing age should be taking a prenatal vitamin for their own health anyways, so I figure it doesn't hurt.
4. Mid-cyle, begin taking ovulation predictor tests (opk) in the afternoon. Log it on fertilityfriend.com.  This takes more preperation than it sounds.  3 hours prior no fluids are allowed. The tests must be taken somewhere between 2pm and 8pm at the same time each day.  This is pretty hard for me.  I work almost 1 hour away from home and there is no way I'm going to get caught taking one of those at work.  So I set my alarm for 6pm which gives me enough time to get home and go straight to the tests.  I found out if the alarm was set too late, I would forget the no fluids rule and I would drink some water when I got home, or I would forget the tests all together and use the bathroom before the alarm even goes off.
5. If the opk is positive begin the baby dancing.
6. 5 minutes prior to the baby dance, insert the pre-seed.  Which I found to be a wonderful product.  If you haven't heard of it  you should look it up.  It is a sperm-friendly lubricant that is inserted in your vag instead of the exterior.  I think it is a wonderful concept.. HELLO LESS MESS!!
7. Right after the baby dance keep a pillow close so I can put it under my butt and lay there for atleast 20 mins.  Don't forget the towel and the tv remote!
8. Repeat #6 until there is a rise in basal body temperature. 
9. Continue to chart all morning temperatures.  7-10 days past ovulation (dpo) imagine an implantation dip and stare at the chart even more intent at predicting a pregnancy.
10. 10 dpo try to convince myself I might be pregnant and take the 1st test of the month.  Of course it's more likely to be negative, but when there isn't a 2nd line get bummed out and swear to myself I will never take another pregnancy test again.
11. 12 dpo take another pregnancy test.
12. 14 dpo take another pregnancy test, even though I already know I will be getting aunt flow later that day.

After doing all of that HOW AM I NOT PREGNANT YET??   Well, I finally brought it to my OBGYN's attention that it had been a year since my early miscarriage.  I was lucky to have scheduled my appointment on 7dpo and she was able to do some blood work.  She ran tests on my progesterone and thyroid.  I was sort of hoping it would be something easy to treat like a simple pill once a day and BAM I would be preggers.  I got the results back today and everything was normal.  Bitter Sweet. Still no answers. But she wants me to come back my next cycle on day 12 for an ultrasounds of my ovaries.  I hope that is normal as well, but I can't imagine what tests would be next.  Maybe I should get my husband to look into getting a sperm analysis.  For now, I'm going to order some FertileAid for men.. here's to hopeing it is a quick fix and next month will be THE MONTH!

Day 1 Blog / Day 410 TTC

Today begins a new chapter in my  life.  Today I will vent to no one but this blog.  I'm tired of the silence, I'm tired of not knowing what to say, and I'm tired of crying alone.

Here is my story:

September 2007 - I married a wonderful man.  He's kind, carring and I feel very lucky to have him.  Since day 1 we have always talked about having literally hundreds of kids - ok not literally, but we want alot.  I thought it would be best if we waited a year so we could get used to being a married couple, since we had gotten married 1 year after meeting each other.

November 2008 - We decided I would get off the pill and start trying... we were both so excited!!  It seemed we were pregnant with a blink of an eye! It all came to us so easily and we couldn't have been happier!  We told the news to our families and everyone was so happy for us. We were on top of the world.

January 2nd, 2009 - I had a miscarriage.  I hadn't even made it far enough along to get to hear the heartbeat.  We were both devistated.  I never imagined it would happen to me.  The Dr. said it wasn't anything I did, "sometimes these just happen for no reason".  I felt so empty and alone.

February 2009 - My husband and I were so eager to start trying again.  I waited until I had my period, and off we went.  This was going to be as easy as the last time - or so I thought.  Months pass by with no pregnancy.  Every month it seemed like "the month" it was going to happen... with no avail. 

July 2009 - I heard about a website called fertility friend where I could start charting my temperatures so I would know exactly when I ovulate.  This month would be THE month!  Nope.

September 1, 2009 - This was the due date of our baby.  Our first baby. Our first real chance at having our own little bundle of love.  The day passed with no excitement.  I didn't want to forget the day, I just didn't want to feel the emotions of the day.  I had wanted to be pregnant by now, but every month was just another dissapointment.

That brings me to today.  It seems like 2009 was just a blur of tracking temperatures, taking ovulation tests and painful negative pregnancy tests.  I feel like I've been to all the websites and all the online "support groups" and it has all become so monotonous.  It seems like I barely remember 2009.  So I decided to start this blog as a way to get my feelings out there.  I'm not going to hold back and wonder if I'm talking too much about wanting to get pregnant or if I'm grossing anyone out with my TMI stories.  I hope someone else is out there that will read my posts and can go through this journey with me.