CD1

Today is CD1.  Which means my Dr was completely wrong and missed that I had ovluated before she did the ultrasound.  WTF.  So the whole issue on the fact that I ovulate late and I need Clomid was completely wrong and not needed.  I left a message for my Dr telling her I thought I ovulated on CD12 and asked where we could get DH a SA. Hopefully she will call back soon.

This past weekend I brought it to DH's attention that he needed to stop smoking.  His reply was "you're not pregnant yet" (refering to our agreement soon after we were married that he would stop smoking when I became pregnant).  So I said -calmly as I could - "maybe that's the reason I'm not".  I know a bit harsh but it's true.

He smokes cigarettes and he also just recently received his medical marijuana licence.  And I know it's probably a big reason why it's taking so long for us to get knocked up.  Sometimes I want to knock him upside the head and tell him I think it is all his fault, but I know better.  It would ruin our marriage.  But I have been making so many sacrifices and doing so many things to try to make it work, and it seems like he's just skirting along.  He has agreed to get a SA if I schedule him for it, but if the results are bad will he even make a change?

This morning I googled reproductive specialist.  I found one about 2 hours from where I live and clicked on their website.  Talk about depressing.  I would have never in a million years thought I would be on their website reading about all the issues couples have getting pregnant.  I couldn't keep reading.  I don't want to be one of those couples.  I just want my own little one... not one from a donor or from another couple, not even from another man.  I want a little me and DH.

UPDATE:  My Dr returned my call.  She wants me to use OPKs earlier this month, and wants another U/S at CD12.  Geez... I hope they catch the egg this time!!

So SAD!

My sister-in-law just found out that she will soon lose her baby.  Her ultrasound showed the fetus had stopped growing at 5 weeks and her hormone levels are not where they should be.  I hurt so bad for her.  I am an absolute mess right now.  Good thing my boss is out today.

It makes me wonder, and I'm sorry if this sounds selfish, if this is why it happened to me.  If God put me through my trials so I could help her go through hers.  Is it wrong to think that?  Well, in any case, I'm glad I know how she is feeling so I am able to give her some comfort.

I can't imagine being told I'm going to lose my baby and then have to wait for it to happen.  For me I just woke up one day in pain and lots of blood.

Wow... who ever said getting pregnant was easy was a liar!!

9DPO

Tomorrow is 10dpo - I think.  My chart has been so weird this past month, that I really have no idea what's going on.  But I'm still going take a test.   Maybe I'll take one now... hee hee.  I'm insane.

Fortune Cookies Ruin My Sanity

Yep, got a fortune cookie today.  It didn't say anything about good fortune, wealth, or happiness.  It said "Your efforts are budding - results will appear soon"  WTH?  Talk about playing with my mind and my emotions!  It did make me smile though... even though it doesn't say if they were going to be good or bad results...hmmm.

DH does not mean Dear Husband today

Now I understand the stress that my DH has been under with this TTC, work, and his family's health.  But last night and this morning was the wrong time to express that stress.

I am on CD16.  I usually ovulate on CD14 or CD16, and this month I know it wasn't on CD14 from the ultrasound.  So, I'm expecting to ovulate today.  I was so excited yesterday because I had found some Instead Cups at the store, and I couldn't wait to use them!  As soon as I got home I even tried one out to see how it felt, and I wanted to get it down before I needed to put it in after our BD.  But of course DH decided to fall asleep at 7:30pm - ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  It was almost as if he had purposfully fallen asleep because he knew how excited I was about BDing.

I just let it go and figured he would wake up knowing we needed to BD.  Nope, instead he woke up, got straight out of bed and started throwing a fit about how stressed out he was.  I mean seriously?? Does he think I just have a walk in the park going to work everyday and seeing new ultrasounds from my coworker, and hearing about every new symptom my sister-in-law has?  I just layed there and didn't say a word.  I really didn't want to fight with him about it.

So I'm totally bummed today thinking we may have missed the opportunity to get a good amount of semen inside to be ready for ovulation... even worse, my temp went up today.  Not alot where it would be obvious that I ovulated, but it didn't dip like it would getting ready for O.

DH just called appologizing and saying he would "make it up to me".  I thought he wanted this as much as I did... I guess not. Maybe I should just take a break.. or maybe just quit doing everything I have.  This sucks!  Now I'm just praying we BD tonight and I O while I'm sleeping.  I guess that's the last chance we have to make it work this month.

LUKE 11

1 Once Jesus was in a certain place praying. As he finished, one of his disciples came to him and said, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.” 2 Jesus said, “This is how you should pray: “Father, may your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come soon. 3 Give us each day the food we need, 4 and forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. And don’t let us yield to temptation.” 5 Then, teaching them more about prayer, he used this story: “Suppose you went to a friend’s house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, 6 ‘A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.’ 7 And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can’t help you.’ 8 But I tell you this - though he won’t do it for friendship’s sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence. 9 “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

MY PRAYER "Lord, I want to know your love.  I want to see your love in my baby's face.  I want to feel your love.  I want to have the same love for my child.  Lord God please be with me and DH this month.  Please let this month be the month we get to see the positive pregnancy test.  I have prayed this prayer many times, and Lord please give me a yes this month.  Amen."
 
If there is anyone reading my blog - please pray for us.  Also, if there is a prayer request you have for me, please feel free to send it to my email andbabymakesthree@ymail.com.  I would be happy to help you with your "shameless persistence".

Beautiful Uterus

Today I went in for the ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus. I went in there pretty nervous that something major would be found, but when I met the ultrasound tech she made me feel much better.  She was chipper and sweet.

The first thing she told me was I had a "beautiful uterus"!  She said it was exactly what she was hoping to see... a nice young normal uterus.  Then she moved to my Right Ovary - she showed me several follicles but none that were dominate.  She moved on to the Left Ovary and said "woh ok, it's tucked under your uterus".  But apparently it isn't nesassarily normal, but there is no harm in it.   I now call it my shy ovary :)

She did find a dominate follicle in my ROV but she mentioned it was pretty small for being on CD14.  So I was a late ovulator... usually I ovulate on CD14 or CD16 - so I just figured it would be a CD16 this month.  Well the tech then left the room while I got dressed so she could talk to my Dr. who was in with another patient at the time.  She returned saying if we do not get pregnant this cycle they would like to start me on Clomid.  I held back the tears but didn't let it go.  How could they want me to go on a cycle regulator when I have always had 28-29 day cycles and so far I haven't had any trouble ovulating?  We haven't even gotten DH a sperm analysis to see if it is a male factor.

I would like to have a quick fix like Clomid, but I'm not sure about it... some of the things I have heard are not nesassarily good reviews on side effects. So now I'm under even more pressure to get pregnant this month!   And to top it off my temps have been alot higher and more rocky this month... WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?